One Sunday after church, we had the brilliant idea to take our 2- and 3- year olds out to lunch. Although typically naptime, we thought that dealing with tired toddlers at Bob Evans outweighed the burden of figuring out what to do for lunch at 1:30 in the afternoon.
Needless to say, it did not go great. After wrangling our 2 year old to behave at the table, he broke loose and threw himself on the floor in sheer exhaustion. Realizing we were putting on quite a show, I scooped him up and headed for the car. After he was secured in the restraints of his car seat, I hopped in the front seat of our van and laid my head on the steering wheel, fuming and worn out.
Not a moment later, I heard my sweet boy’s best Muppet impression of the character, ‘Animal’proclaim, “In Control!” (Just watch the video to see how random this imitation was!)
I couldn’t stop laughing! None of us were in control at all that day!
Isn’t it funny (and really deceiving) that we think we are in control of our lives when we aren’t!? This was difficult for me to come to terms with in the strains of my marriage. Maybe it was because of the first stage of bereavement - denial (as Megan references in her blog “Letting Go of Control”). Or maybe it was simply my sinful nature of distrusting God.
Either way, I couldn’t control anything.
I allowed myself to be on auto-pilot for a good year after my husband’s adultery was brought to light. I didn’t allow God to work anything out in me. I was focused on getting us through a rough patch so we could just move on and be happy.
After realizing that I was not really dealing with things but rather stuffing emotion, I started seeing a Biblical Counselor.
She wisely told me that I am not in control of the things that are only God's concern. The outcome of my husband’s walk. Peace and stability in my spirit. Those are God’s concerns, not things that I can control!
With the help of my counselor, I acknowledged my need to be honest with God and allow him to work in my husband’s and my hearts. I needed to trust God to do the work within us. I needed HIM to rebuild our marriage.
The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.
Proverbs 14:1 (NIV)
In “An Un-Canonized Psalm of a Broken Wife”, I shared my brokenness and this is just another indication of that. One of my favorite albums to listen to right now is “Vessel” by Twenty One Pilots. The lyrics are just so raw and honest. It speaks right to my heart.
In their song “Screen,” Tyler Joseph sings about his struggle to have everything together and therefore hide his soul before God. However, there is a screen on his chest. God can see everything happening inside of him.
I desire to have it all together. I love the feeling of being in control - of knowing what the plan is and exactly how your purposes will prevail. Oh, how that is never the way it works!
Thank you that everything in life is either ordained by you or allowed by you. Far be it for me to think I know better than the very Being that created my mind for thought.
Thank you that I am not in control. How I would really make a mess of things if it were my job to keep life in order!
Remind me of what is really my concern and what is only yours. Guard my mind and my heart against the deceit to believe that I can or should control the things that are yours alone. Or even still, to believe that I should look like I have it all together in your eyes. You are the only one who knows every crevice of my heart.
Help me to trust you to do a great work in each of us and in our marriage.
I believe Lord, help me in my unbelief.
Yours in the Round,
PS - If you don’t have a wise, Biblical Counselor and you are seeking one try checking out http://www.biblicalcounseling.com/
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