I was broken. In that brokenness I sought comfort as a victim. I wanted someone to tell me how sorry they were for what I was going through. To validate all my hurt feelings. To tell me how to “fix” my husband through the right prayer, the right plea for his faithfulness, the right way to confront him so he fully understood just how wounded I was.
Not long after our marriage crashed, we were given a resource to help us each work through our brokenness: two online studies called “The Way of Purity” and “A United Front” through settingcaptivesfree.com. The “United Front” course gave me an email mentor who has also walked the path of her husband’s sexual impurity. This mentor, though I haven’t met her face to face, offers me encouragement and points me to truth. My study also incorporates an incredibly challenging book entitled, “The Excellent Wife” by Martha Peace.
Through Martha Peace’s book, I realized that my role was to seek God to help me put on my new self rather than exhausting so much energy into manipulating my husband’s walk.
Put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
I felt justified in my response to the pain.
I allowed anxiety to take over my mind. I failed to tame my tongue. I was not respectful or loving. I did not trust God with my husband’s soul. I was harboring unforgiveness. I was not being the suitable helper that God desired for my life….
Yep, all sin if that is unclear!
My brokenness was the sin in my own heart, not just the effects of my husband’s sin against me. Brokenness that can only be healed by God. I needed to decrease so He could increase!
There was no part of creature-holiness that I had so great a sense of its loveliness, as humility, brokenness of heart, and poverty of spirit; and there was nothing that I so earnestly longed for. My heart panted after this–to lie low before God, as in the dust; that I might be nothing, and that God might be all, that I might become as a little child. ~Jonathan Edwards
I am hurting, Lord. Feeling broken and unloved.
Thank you that you do not let me stay here. That you remind me again and again that I am yours. Yours to heal, to convict, and redeem.
Decrease me, Lord, that you might increase. Show me how to minister to my husband’s broken heart, not to seek vengeance for mine. Vengeance is yours, Lord! You call me to faithfulness and obedience.
I desire to be the godly wife you want me to be. To know the peace that transcends all understanding. To speak words of life and not destruction. To love as you love. To be broken for the things that you are broken for. To forgive as I am forgiven. To be a suitable helper.
Change me Lord. Renew the spirit of my mind.
Your Broken in the Round,
“Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved."
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